What is depression? The dictionary says that it’s a mood disorder causing a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.
Depression has been a major game changer for a lot of lives. For example, let us look at Robin Williams. Hailed as one of the most hilarious comedians of all time, Mr. Williams was suffering from a severe case of depression. In fact, things were so bad for him, that he ended up committing suicide just to escape from it.
But to me, it isn’t what it is to most people. Depression is like an old friend. Kinda like Death was to Ignotus Peverell.
Once I got over the initial reluctance of getting acquainted with it, I found a beautiful solace in it. It never judged me for who I was or what I did. It never left me like those short moments of happiness did, as soon as something went wrong. It always came back, like a loving guardian, to hold me close to its chest and sing me songs that’d comfort me. The music would drown out the screams of pain and heartbreak. Serenity would prevail over my senses, in that small, peaceful space of mine.
And in that darkness, in that pitch black lonely street, I found something that I’d never thought I would. I found wings in depression. They’d let me soar up in the dark night, never letting go of me. I’d fly for hours on end, not caring what happened to me or where I went. Not caring about anything anymore.
I’d found what I truly desired. This was my identity. This was my solace. These wings would never let me drown in the Bermuda Triangle of love again. And I flew. Up, up and away.
A beach. A pet wolf. A cottage. Sunlight. Warmth. The man laughed at these thoughts now. He laughed at his naivety. How could he have been so blind before? He woke up from his deep slumber and opened his eyes to the monstrosity of the light. You see, the thing about the light is that it isn’t permanent. It flickers. It goes off. Sometimes, you don’t find it for years on end. And when you do, it’s gone just as soon. But darkness. That is a constant.
The man was standing at the entrance to the maze again, which was mocking him for his foolishness.
“She tricked you, my child. The serenity was short-lived. Pain is how you have persevered and how you will till the end of your days. It’s the only way that anyone can maintain a stable mindset in this m.A.A.d city. Come back. Come back to your haven. Come back to your old self, the one that you so cherished.”
How could he have been so blind? The cold, fake, appealing nature of the light was what drew him out, not the sincerity of it. The maze was an old friend that wanted to put an end to his misery, that was all. The maze was the only constant which had truly stuck with him throughout his life.
But. He hesitated to go back to the maze.
Somehow, after all he had been through, after all the time that he had spent with the light, after all the times that he had indeed made mistakes and been ignorant enough to correct them, he didn’t want to go back to the maze. He wanted to redeem himself. He wanted one last shot at getting back that which was his. He wanted his serenity back, however fake it might have been. So he mustered his courage and tried to approach the light. But it was too late. She had given up on him. She couldn’t stand the sight of this pathetic creature. She abandoned him, and left him for naught.
Broken, of heart and in spirit, the man entered the maze without giving it a second thought. The darkness spoke to him with a kindness which he had long forgotten. It said, “Welcome home, my child. You’ve been away for far too long, chasing distant dreams. It’s time that you returned.”
Upon entering the maze, the man lost his footing and plunged into a deep abyss. He didn’t care anymore. He closed his eyes and thought about a poem he’d heard on the radio the other day, an eerie calmness spreading all over his face.
“I remembered you was conflicted,
Misusing your influence, sometimes I did the same;
Abusing my power, full of resentment.
Resentment that turned into a deep depression.
Found myself screamin’ in a hotel room,
I didn’t wanna self destruct, the evils of Lucy was all around me.
So I went runnin’ for answers.”
His lips curled into a smile. He was tired of running now. He’d come back home. And he wasn’t leaving anytime soon.
The man was frustrated. This world was driving him insane. Seeing no way out, he decided to pay a visit to his friend. The one he would always go to, to share his thoughts and emotions with. To share his joys and sorrows with. He spoke to this friend and hoped that he would understand his problems one last time, as he always had. With a heavy and depressed sigh, he told him his problems in as brief a manner as possible. “Man, I can’t think anymore. It feels like my entire body is turning into lead. I have done nothing but work and solve other people’s problems for the past 5 months. I’m running on empty. I need to get away.” He was drained. Spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. The man was so taxed that nothing seemed bright anymore. Everything was monochromatic now. He couldn’t see things the way they were supposed to be. Everything was black and white to his eyes now. He couldn’t ‘see’ anymore. He needed out. He needed an escape, a plight from this world of mortal tortures and where everything was so corrupt it didn’t even make him flinch anymore. His perceptions had changed. He’d experienced everything that he could imagine. Drama, honesty, agony, laughter, bitterness, love, hate and the constant pain of being a disappointment in every aspect of life. His friend, being the last thing that the man had, finally caved in. He saw what this world had done to his friend. He couldn’t imagine anyone going through what he had. He gave it to him. For the sake of his betterment and relaxation. So that he could feel alive again. So that he could see the colors of the world gushing right back into it. He passed him the pouch. The man took the pouch and took out one piece. He placed it under his tongue and waited. He waited till his body was numb and his legs regained sensation. He saw colors. For the first time in 5 months, he saw colors. His mind was relaxed and happy now, his sorrows dissolving into happiness. He felt that bliss he was searching for. Finally, after such a long time, he was flying. He was flying towards the moon, which was painted in the colors of the rainbow. With a smile on his face and tears of joy in his eyes, he took the knife and stabbed his gut, watching his heart bleed and his brain connect to the flow of the universe one last time. He finally had the peace he was looking for. He had reached the moon. He was done with this planet. He had reached his destiny and he never planned on going back. He let out a final sigh and drifted off into a deep sleep which he never wished to wake up from. He was finally free. He had finally found peace.
The darkness of the maze. That was his haven. He had been thrown there by the agents of light, cast out, defeated. In the dark he learned to live. To survive. A time came when it was all he would crave. The darkness, the pain. But there came a light source at the end of the tunnel. He reached out to it. He was fascinated by it. For some time, he even let himself enjoy it. Fill him up with happiness and joy. But this time it wasn’t the light that sent him back to the maze. It was darkness that pulled him back in. You see, light had given up on him. He constantly kept on ranting about the dark. Light abandoned him this time for good. And he went back to his old merry self, in the dark, to the pain that held out her hands like a loving mother, to self squander, to his plight from the myth of love. Because he had loved when love hurt and when he got love, he never could appreciate it. So he went back to his demons. And they took hold of him this time, never to let go.
But he was wrong. See, it was light that he craved. That he loved. That darkness was just an easy escape for him. But this time, he did it. He crawled out of that maze. He went to the light. He reached the source and he reached for it. At first, light hesitated. For he had betrayed its trust many a time. But this time around, it was different. He finally appreciated its true worth. He had been too broken before to see that love could heal all his wounds. And so, he fell into those hands again. But this time, he shunned the pain. He abandoned the maze for the warmth and the comfort of the light. And this time, light, like the lover he never had before, took him into her arms and slowly lulled him off into a deep sleep, which he didn’t want to wake up from. For this sleep brought him dreams. Dreams of a little cottage on a secluded beach, with a pet wolf and nothing but the smell of the sea, the warmth of the sun and his source of life.
He thrived off these dreams. He loved light. And light took him in her arms this time and loved him more than she ever did before, as serenity reigned supreme over their senses.
To Vulcan and beyond.